First World Problems

The author takes a job at the Cold Stone ice cream chain, which I last sickened myself with back in 2009. I could never understand what the whole fuss was about, because the ice cream has the consistency of melted rubber. My theory is that the only reason for the existence of Cold Stone is that it’s Cold Stone. There’s nothing about the place that makes it any better than Hagen Daz, Ben & Jerries, or Steves (or Carvel, if there are any left.) But people love the place or it wouldn’t be open anymore. It’s junk, but so what? Americans have been eating bad food for a long time.

Ben Nesvig write First World Problems to try and prove that processed foods are a problem. Okay, that’s not rocket science, we saw that ten years ago in Supersize Me. But the way he writes it is funnier. He writes a list of complaints (one page each) where he bitches that:

1. The Cold Stone guy doesn’t sing while he works, leading the customers to think he isn’t overjoyed to work there, and the advertisement convinces you that it’s “friendly.”

2. The ethnic restaurant chef wasn’t really from that ethnic group, making it an unauthentic eating experience, and you had your heart set on something “authentic.” Keep in mind, however, that in the country where the food originated, the people can’t afford to eat a meal like that (nobody in Japan can afford to eat a two-pound Kobe steak!)

3. Waiters pressure you to eat quick and leave so they can cram in more customers, when all the while you’re thinking “the purpose of me going into a restaurant is so that I can eat leisurely.”

4. We’re so bloody dependent on our laptops, that we have to take them into Starbucks too, and now you can’t go to the bathroom for fear (correctly) that it will get stolen (especially in NYC)

5. You made (and ate) your own lunch to save on money and calories, but now you can’t turn down an offer to join Dilbert for lunch at Friendly’s (that would be rude.) When you get there, they beguile you with a menu item you can’t refuse, and you end up feeling stuffed.

 

I can really relate to this sometimes, because I’ve been in bakeries where they sell $4 french breads the size of skis and no foot-longs. All the while I want to scream “jeez, I don’t have $4 and I don’t need that much bread!” I’ve been dragged out to dinner with a relative or acquaintance who I don’t really like, and I end up feeling stuffed, sick, and out $15.

 

But I would have like to see a solution to these problems. Nesvig could make a hilarious tome about how to avoid all these things, and I bet it could become reality TV. Just think, do you know anyone that said “the wedding is a BYOB affair” and insisted on having no bridesmaids (so she wouldn’t have to pay for the dresses)? Or how about the cash-strapped parent who says “Christmas is a month away, and you’re each going to be given $20, that’s it!”