Ten Thousand Sorrows by Elizabeth Kim

    Elizabeth Kim describes her mother as a headstrong young woman, whose first big transgression was leaving home to work in a noodle stall. I couldn’t help but feel bad for this woman; all she wanted was her independence, and moving to the city to work shouldn’t have angered anyone. But when she got pregnant by an American serviceman, then her troubles really began. Unmarried pregnancy was a major embarrassment to her family, and she became a pariah in her community. Kim’s recollections are of happy times with her mother, until the day her mother was murdered for disgracing the family. It wasn’t a stoning by a mob, but more calculated; her father and her brother wanted her to sell the child into servitude, and when she refused, they hanged her. Then they tortured the child and got rid of her.

The next part of the book is more disturbing than the first, because it lasts longer. She gets adopted by an American couple, and her life improves physically, but stinks emotionally. Her parents have heads full of ideas of what they expect to get from their new daughter, and they’re awful to her, blaming her for the most mundane things. It’s not even clear why her parents adopt her, since there were plenty of white children to adopt in 1950’s USA. Maybe it had to do with their fundamentalist Christian views? Was it their way of “civilizing a savage” and bringing the heathen to Jesus? Did they think they were doing the Lord’s work by taking in a half-Korean child?

In some ways the treatment her mother got in Korea mirrors what she received in the USA. Women didn’t really have any rights in the USA either, and as a teen, she marries a deacon from their church. It’s not clear why. Maybe she’s pressured by her parents? Maybe she just wants to escape her home?  Whatever the reason, her husband turns out to be an abusive man, having sex with other women and forcing her to watch, beating her (even while pregnant) and making her life impossible. Her life doesn’t get much better after divorcing him. She does, however, land a job at a newspaper, and her boss and his wife become surrogate parents.

While I sympathize with the author, I don’t approve of a lot of the things she does. First off, she implies a feeling of nihilism to her daughter, and while it may be the reason her daughter grows up independent and self-reliant, I’m not sure it’s worth the risk to a child. Secondly, she raises her daughter in a house that’s geographically isolated, in an effort to recreate the home where she once lived with her mother. The isolation of the home puts them in danger on several occasions.

Honor killings have been in the news a lot lately, but we hear about the ones in the Middle East, not South Korea. I’ve heard of honor killings happening in Sicily, usually because of a disapproved marriage, or a daughter’s mistake that shames the family. They didn’t have honor killings In Ireland, but unwed pregnant teenagers got a raw deal; their parents left them at the Magdalene Convents and forgot about them.

 Like most Asian countries, South Korea doesn’t have a good record on women’s rights, but what makes it even more shocking is the way her family committed the murder. The events in the USA afterward aren’t much better, but you have to wonder how much has really changed? Today’s news is full of stories about women being thrown out of pools over their bathing suits, or girls being sent home because their clothing distracts the boys. 

When you treat the woman as a temptress, you open the floodgates to abuse.

Happy Money: The Japanese Art of Making Peace with Your Money by Ken Honda

   Ken Honda, a self-help star in Japan, pulls no punches hen it comes to money woes. Happy money is the term for the money you gain for your own benefit, while unhappy money is gained through a job you hate, or ends up going to your ex-wife and creditors.  Years ago, I read a similar argument in Robert Kiyosaki’s Rich Dad/Poor Dad rag, and while I agree with less than 0.03 of what Kiyosaki says, both he and Honda have a point; you’re not wealthy if someone else has a claim to your money.

    Honda gives good advice on saving. Too often, we feel pressure to buy the latest electronics, and then you have families under pressure to take their children to Disney World, dress them to impress, and spend to impress others. Then there’s the FOMO problem, or Fear Of Missing Out, which I confess to having experienced many times. He recounts an experience where his daughter, with her limited command of English, asks him what her classmates mean by “it’s not fair.” He puts the blame on parents who use the term, as in “it’s not fair that he makes more than me,” or “it’s not fair that I have to pay taxes.” Then the parents will probably use that term every time they have to do something they don’t want, like “it’s not fair that I have to host the Christmas dinner,” or “it’s not fair that I have to pay such a huge share of my parents’ anniversary gift.” The question is, why do the parents do it in the end?

   His advice rests on restraint and differentiation. First off, one needs to have the guts to say no, and ignore the pressure to “keep up with the Joneses.” Secondly, you have to admit the reason you want money. Is it serenity? Do you want security? A comfortable lifestyle? Luxury? Power? Attention? Revenge? These things will make all the difference in how we spend and save. Donald Trump (who I thoroughly dislike) gave on important piece of advice in his book. He says that every marriage must have a prenup, whether you trust your spouse or not. It all makes sense in terms of trust; lack of trust means you need a prenup, and if you trust each other, you won’t be suspicious of a prenup.